The old way feels safer

"Whatever goes against the Book of Law [the belief system you were raised to believe in] will make you feel a funny sensation in your solar plexus, and it's called fear.  Breaking the rules in the Book of Law opens your emotional wounds, and your reaction is to create emotional poison.  Because everything that is in the Book of Law has to be true, anything that challenges what you believe is going to make you feel unsafe.  Even if the Book of Law is wrong, it makes you feel safe."
--"The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz

This has been my experience.  When I first started questioning my beliefs, I was rather scared.  Was it ok that I was questioning?  What was wrong with me?  Was I a bad person for questioning?  I've gotten to the point now where I'm ok to question things.  If the stuff written in my "Book of Law" is really true, then it will hold up to questioning.

I was just talking to my friend Ryan tonight, and he was sharing a little about how he went from growing up in the church to becoming Atheist to becoming Agnostic to coming back to the church.  He said he's wondered if the reason why Christianity makes more sense to him than any of the other religions is because he grew up in it, or if it really does just make more sense.  Would he have become a Hindu if that's what he'd grown up in?  Who knows.

I read "Crazy For God" and "Patience With God" by Frank Schaeffer this summer.  Both of these books helped me get to the point where I'm ok to question things, and even ok to have no answers to my questions.  I particularly enjoyed "Crazy For God" for this reason.  In "Patience With God", though, Frank talks about how he fluctuates between being Christian, Agnostic, and Atheist...and try as he might, he can't completely shake the Christian beliefs he was raised in.  It becomes a part of you...whether you were raised Christian or Hindu or Muslim or Atheist...it is your "Book of Law".  

This place of unknowing.  Of questioning.  Of suspense and adventure...  I'm content and happy right now.  Right here.



Sometimes I catch myself thinking....

the old way feels safer.

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A thank you

International House's Junior Program of the summer of 2010...what an experience!  Mostly good.  Some bad.  I definitely learned a lot and I think I made some pretty good friends.

A few months ago I broke off my engagement.  Naturally, that was a very hard thing to do and it hasn't been easy getting over it.  I'm not even sure if I'm completely over it yet.  But I do know that some of my new friends unwittingly and significantly helped me through.  For that I would like to thank Matt, Bobby, John, and Joe.  Strangely enough, just hanging out with you guys and your incessant joking and teasing has helped a lot in healing the pain.  I don't know if any of you will read this...probably not...but I just needed to say it here.  Thank you.  Jerks.  =D

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Lady Old, Lady New

Who would have guessed I'd learn something new about myself while playing games on Facebook?  Certainly not I!  

I am rather addicted to Kingdoms of Camelot right now...although, it's not so much the game as the sarcastic bantering that takes place in the rather small alliance I belong to.  Yesterday I popped on to build a little more of my city and discovered that three new people had joined my alliance and one "old" member had left...apparently due to a misunderstanding between her and one of the new members.  My friend (the "old" member) had given an ultimatum: "Either she goes or I go".  I guess maybe people thought she was bluffing or something, and nobody really likes to respond to ultimatums anyway.  So when nobody did away with Lady New, Lady Old left like she had threatened to do.

I was sad to see her go.

Later that evening Lord Peacemaker sent me a private message asking me for my vote: Lady Old or Lady New?  I was hesitant to give an answer because I thought it was just idle talk, and I didn't know the whole story and couldn't say who was right or wrong or anything.  With the knowledge I had, I said my vote was for Lady Old because I knew her.  I don't know Lady New from a hole in the ground, though the little I had seen of her in the chat room seemed to suggest she would fit very nicely in our alliance.  But I also mentioned my lack of knowledge of what had transpired between the two ladies.  He later informed me that Lord Chancellor had handed the issue over to him, which was why he was taking a vote.  He wanted to know what the rest of us voted.  Apparently everyone (or almost everyone...I don't really know) voted Lady Old, because today Lord Chancellor talked to Lady New and explained things to her (probably still trying to work things out so both ladies could stay!), and she left.  Lady Old is back!

Through this whole thing, but particularly through the dialogue I had with Lord Peacemaker about the vote, I learned that I tend to value "right" and "wrong" over relationship.  I wasn't sure who to vote for at first because I didn't know which of the ladies was more in the "right" and which was more in the "wrong".  But I think it shouldn't matter so much.  Right or wrong, you stick by your friends.  Ultimately that's where I cast my vote, but I'm a little disappointed that I couldn't see it that way before.

Anyway, I THINK I believe that relationship comes first and THEN you can worry about right and wrong.  But I will admit that I haven't sat down and thought this out completely to it's logical conclusion.  It just occurred to me that placing right and wrong before relationship could lead to becoming more like the villains that scare me most--the logical, un-emotional, un-relational ones.  For example, the Borg from Star Trek or the people on drugs in Equilibrium.  And as with almost everything else in my life right now, I'm at the point where I really don't know what I believe so pretty much everything is open for consideration.

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About Me

I was born and I will die. I eat, breath, sleep, talk, and periodically raise my voice. For a little variation I read, watch movies, and walk on the beach. I am a Christian, a Canadian, and a homeschool graduate. When it rains I stare at the windshield wipers and get mad when the wipers move a little too fast for the stream of water that is desperately trying to get away. When it's sunny I walk down to the beach and think about amnesiacs washing up on the shore. When it snows I stay inside with a book and curl up in a blanket. I like CSI Las Vegas, Criminal Minds, and Firefly. I like dark chocolate and dandelions and daisies and wild roses. And RED.

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